'!'

?

At home: the figures

Hours slept 7
Muffins sought 4
Reunions 2
Longest trance 0.5 days

Tiger x6

Today is the end of my holidays. I fly back with Wolverine tomorrow at 07:45hrs. Holidays have done me good. I don't want to be old, looking back at the distant Holidays
I will frame photographs and put them up around the house.

Yes, it's been good. I must stress though: I haven't done any 'soul searching.' (angry voice) and I haven't done any 'naval gazing' either. Or found spiritual- [ fade out ] ...


To be continued

High Spirits

What superstition! Prevalent across Thailand are spirit houses, built outside homes and shops to keep any resident spirits happy. They are frowned on by some because they munch through valuable real estate. This one (left) has got a job on its hands. It has to look after the spirits for an entire 18-storey building.

Also today, to take your mind off the porn look at these further snaps. Top two: a Thai cookery course. Everyone else's brew is flaming correctly whilst mine, like Mildred Hubble's in The Worst Witch, is going all wrong. Bottom: elephant riding in Chiang Mai.

NB I don't know what 'real estate' means. Are there people who say it with a straight face? I asked Richard to explain -but it was no good.

Thanks for your comments. No, it can't stay. 

Virus Control Centre#52 (Dad) ... any ideas?

Normal business to be resumed shortly

Query

Can anyone see porn on this blog?

Asia Grub Top 5

5. Vegetable mussaman - Thailand

Curried chunks of heaven

4. Apomalei - Malaysia
Translation: 'peanut cake thing.' Solves that angry early morning problem.

3. Sour and spicy noodles - Chinatown, Singapore

An orgy in a bowl

2. Fish amok - Cambodia

Baked fish chunks with coconut and local spices. Sweet, delicate.

THE WINNER

1. Penang laksa - Georgetown, Malaysia

Hot fish broth with tamarind and stuff.
Street hawker - 3 ringgit a bowl. That good I'm all confused.

Picture: Noodles on the street. Get me more!

Lao-lao

And now for Laos. Cue Remote Border Crossing #18. We reserved enough dollars to pay off the cronies.
It's all nice here. Can I stay? I could start a new clean-up program -for removal of Annoying Sex Tourists.
Today's picture: 'Excuse me? Has anyone seen Richard? I seem to have acquired some Bee Gees member -with pineapples'

Traveller's talk #2

It was 42 degrees yesterday in Hanoi. I have been exploring on a bus, admiring some buildings.
'Oh, look at these lovely buildings,' said a fellow girl traveller. 'Don't they look French?' But she didn't really know this. She was just reciting it from the Lonely Planet. I didn't know either, but I'd read the Lonely Planet too, so I agreed.
Sturdy old trees line the streets, and blossoms spill from crumbling balconies. The buildings here are unique. They don't really have floors, more just levels that appear here and there, one sometimes overlapping another, and often at odd slanting angles. When we go to eat we hunt down a cafe on some such level, so that we can perch among the leaves and watch the activity below. Motorbikes, people, people, motorbikes. Everyone is always busy. It doesn't matter which object a person may be carrying on their scooter - a herb garden, a TV... just as long as it's something, and its going somewhere.
How fat and awkward the Westerners look next to the Vietnamese!

Traveller's talk

This week: Junk boat adventures at Halong Bay, near Hanoi, North Vietnam. We had to take a boat taxi en route. I got stuck right next to the stinky engine with someone from New Jersey, and I had one of those painful dead-end conversations I keep having with Americans. I said, 'well, we got the best seats on the barge, didn't we?'
He looked at me blankly for a full minute and then said, 'yeah, but it'd make a great souvenir.' I smiled politely.
Damn these cultural differences! I must sort them out soon.

We found a TV last night. We hadn't seen one in ages - chaos could be erupting around the world. I've left Richard watching an episode of Massive Structures so I can blog for a while.
This week we visited the 'Cu Chi Tunnels,' used effectively by the Viet Cong against the Americans in the Vietnam War. You know when you wish you could go back to school where all the information is, and actually take it in? This is what's happening. The geeky dream is coming true.
Better go now. My sweet thing of choice has evolved into the Cream Filled Wafer (chocolate not sustainable in tropical climate) and I've a bagful I need to start on because the packaging says: 'Eating Directions: Eat Directly.'

Bia Hoi

We are going to be in Vietnam for two weeks. The Vietnamese are known for getting up early, like me, hence the phrase 'Good morning Vietnam.'
Such excitement! The border police charged us more than they ought to've, and they had a good laugh about it. I've been bitten by an interesting spider. Also, I've been violently ill. The Malarone is making fun hallucinations, and I feel so depressed. But these are just small details. I'm learning more here in S.E. Asia than I did in all the other regions.
We are in Saigon (Ho Chi Min), originally named for its tropical bounty: (loose translation) 'Sai' = fruit. 'Gon' = cotton. There are 4.2 million motorbikes here- and around 20 motorbikes for every one car. More to follow

Phnom Penh

We have joined another Tour Group. We departed Siem Reap yesterday after a warm welcome from staff. Interestingly, all those who had left money in the hotel safe noticed upon collection that small amounts were missing. $20 here for example, or $5 there. There was a small uprising among the guests and the missing money quickly reappeared.
Note: it is estimated that one third of Cambodians earn less than $1 (US) per day.

This morning we visited Choeung Ek (the Killing Fields) of the Pol Pot regime 1975-79. We weren't spared any facts. I could stomach what I saw - just - until I started to imagine things like that happening to my brothers and sister. Then I had to leave. This is a very sad city.

Hello tuk-tuk

I feel woozy and depressed. I think it's the Malarone. We're in Cambodia now. We crossed the border at 'Poipet.' I liked it when the Cambodian man took my temperature.
Here, as with most countries in the S.E. Asia region, you're advised to cover your body a bit. I'm all for it, but I won't be embracing the 'cool' look. Oh, let's all start wearing weird headscarfs and baggy trousers, because we're travelling. Anyway, we heard that the 'Angkor Wat' is the place to be seen, so we headed there for sunrise.
Angkor Wat was built in the 1100s in honour of the Hindu god Vishnu. It is the world's largest religious building. There, I had that feeling you get when you're around worn stone - like you could just disappear into it. Also today, I went to see Doctor Fish at Siem Reap Night Market. Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes...

Singha

Today we proceed to Thailand's capital, population 6 million (or 13 depending on source). It's known to outsiders as 'Bangkok' but out of respect I've decided to refer to it always by its traditional Thai name. For example: 'Excuse me, taxi, is this the way to "The City of Celestial Beings, the Residence of the Emerald Buddha, The Impregnable City of Indra, The Grand Capital of the World Endowed with Nine Precious Gems, the Happy City Abounding in Enormous Royal Palaces that Resemble the Heavenly Abode where the Reincarnated Gods Reside, a City Given by Indra and Built by Vishnukarm?" '
As well as having a catchy title Bangkok is known for its terrifying traffic jams and for its world-class Red Light Area, the 'Pat Pong,' where we are heading directly.

Chang

Thailand is a beautiful place, where you can get chillis. But it's not without its problems.
There seems to be an awful lot of rubbish here, just lying around. I wonder if the expatriates have noticed? Obviously there's a section in Buddha's teachings on rubbish disposal but people just haven't got to it yet.
In today's picture we are in the Phi Phi islands. Several years ago they starred in 'The Beach' with Leonardo Di Caprio, so that was the end of them. You don't mind me going off in water with Thai hunk though, do you Richard? Because boat is boat. Love is love.

Annoying Expatriates

I've been trying to enjoy my holidays all day but I keep getting embroiled with annoying expatriates: the ones who, within minutes of meeting you, assume you're dying to escape your home country but can't. You only have to mention you had your holidays in '- - -' and liked it there, and suddenly you're under pressure - real pressure - as to why you haven't moved there.
'Oh but it'd be easy, love,' they say. And you say, 'but I-'
'Don't worry about your family,' they say. 'You can always go back and visit!' And you say 'well, actually I-'
'What's stopping you? Y' can find work out here easy enough! Home from home, love'
Oh to give them my real answer: 'Go away, idiot. I like England and I'm s-t-a-y-i-n-g there.' Surely travelling around and seeing places for a while is enough? And isn't that, after a while, all just a bit ... silly? Come on, someone has to say it. You get to see good things but the grass isn't greener, just because you're travelling. Or moving to some tropical island, damn it.
Today's mood: #41 - Rock the Boat.

Langkawi

Today we spent some time thinking about life and pondering our existence. We sat on a long white beach for 3 hours as well. We might hire a little scooter and go scooting around!
Langkawi is popular because there is no tax on beer or cigarettes. It is an archipelago comprising 99 islands. 'Archipelago' is stupid because it doesn't do its job properly i.e. make saying 'island group' any easier. I've not heard any two people say it the same way. I think you say 'archipelago' when you want to look successful, along with 'non-prescriptive' and other bizarre long words / phrases
And now for some of that tax-free beer!

Cultural differences #1

We are now in the Cameron Highlands. They are known as a 'cool, lofty place' where you can go for Nostalgia and Romance. I've heard you can even Find your Inner Self. This morning I was thrilled when I found some Nostalgia near a coffee table on a balcony. I think it's OK to feel this way, as long as you don't try saying it out loud.
We have to stay on our toes, even here, because robbers are everywhere just like in Britain. I understand their preferred method is to charm you or drug you first unlike at home where it's done through violence, or through the banks.

Kuala Lumpur

The large buildings featured today are called the Petronas Towers. They were put there put there so that Malaysia could out-tower its neighbours. At 452.02m they did a sterling job. They were crushed in 2004 by the Taipei 101 in Taiwan, which in turn will be whopped by Dubai's 818m Burj this September.
I was at a bus station on route here and my legs were aching a bit, so I decided to sit down cross-legged for a while. The lady in front of me, I noticed, began staring, and then she said to her husband 'I wish I could sit like that.' Looking closer I could see that one of her legs was slightly skewed. I thought, all this time we spend worrying about things when we're already on a high.
We're going to have some iced-tea adventures now.

Singapore Sling

Today on my holidays I visited a Buddhist temple. Buddhism is Singapore's most widely practiced religion followed by Islam.
Pungeant swirls from joss-sticks among piles of citrus fruit beckoned the visitor in from the street. I felt I could stay. Offerings of milk and oil lay at the feet of various deities, the most obvious being a 15-metre-high statue of Buddha at the back of the hall. At 300 tonnes in weight this one is certainly on the large side; a good job as he's got an awful lot of condensed milk to get through.
Also today we visited red-and-gold Chinatown for tasty treats. R bargained with hawkers like an an old hand while I paid for my goods with my usual finesse i.e. by producing a handful of coins and staring at it.
Fact: octagonal features are common among buildings here because in Chinese culture the number 8 is regarded as lucky.

Bondi Beach

Bondi Beach is a large swathe of sand. You have to go there as it is internationally renowned for its name. Today we joined the throng! It had all the usual seaside characters including the budding surfer and the ubiquitous 18-year-old traveller with a bad attitude.

And that's all for Australia.
The final picture shows Richard jumping into the 'Blue Pool' at lovely, yet-to-be-ruined Angourie, N Coast NSW.

It's ANZAC Day (Australian and New Zealand Army Corps) which is a bit like our Remembrance Day. The ANZAC biscuit is an oaty number once commonly baked by women to keep their menfolk going. It is still made today. Here I am, munching away happily.

Land of extremes

Australia-holiday is drawing to a close. Can I pick out a favourite part? Too difficult. For Richard it's the outback, by a long way. I too have been affected by its beauty. It's a good job we've swung by Sydney for a while though because Outback Richard wants fast food and cable TV.
Sydney is where the First Fleet of British convicts landed in 1788. It wanted to be Australia's capital but wasn't allowed. It is now home to some 4.2 million people and regarded as one of the world's greatest cities. Sydney Opera House, opened in 1973, was built to look like a fleet of sails. I like it.

The Hunter Valley

Now for some wine tips from a critic who knows.
Ratings:
* Pretty ordinary
** No worries
*** I'm stoked
**** Magic

Case study #1 Lindemans
1) 2008 HV Semillon
Light and zingy. Would have with crayfish. Rating: **
2) 1999 Sparkling Shiraz
Mmm, fizzy wizzy. Scent: Christmas Day 11am
Taste: liquorice with mince pie overtones. ***
3) 1999 HV Shiraz
Scent:^ dominant. Texture: velvet
Compliment with rump steak weighing at least 0.8kg. **
4) Porphry Rouge (dessert)
Colour: friendly magenta. Evokes: Spring blossoms, ice poles
Taste: forest fruit frenzy. Bloody nice. ****
5) Penfolds 10yr Bluestone Tawny
Nah. Your gran's trifle. Don't like. Never liked. *

Case study #2 McGuigans
1) Genus 4 Semillon
Scent: mould. Taste: chlorine. Not happening. **
2) BL Sparkling Shiraz
Scent: boisterous
Taste: James Bond in his heyday^^ Citrus hints. ****
3) VS Shiraz
Spicy. Evokes straw in summer. Not bitter enough for me. **
4) PR Muscat
Scent: dusky pink. Taste: putrid violet. No. *

Q. Why can you buy Penfolds' wine at Lindemans' cellar door?
A. Because both wineries are owned by the Fosters Group along with a gerzillion others.
You can think you're safe for a while in the cosy world of wineries, but then you are forced to admit that even here one person controls everything.

^ The term 'bouquet' is sometimes used by lesser critics.
^^Sean Connery of course.

A meaning of art

Richard went off to do some extreme sports today,* so I did a sketch. I was just noticing how awful it was when a young, stylish person came over and said 'this is intense. I've just drawn that too. It must be this place. It draws people like us. It's a creative thing.' I smiled and said 'hmmmm...' He then asked 'why did you draw this? And why those colours?'
My answer was monumental. Picasso couldn't have done better. It smashed the boundaries of psychology and art. It went: '...erm... because I felt like it.' Awed by this he moved away to give me some room.

* This means he wanted to climb a hill, or something.

Today's picture
It's that late afternoon sun feeling again, the one where you remember a thousand happy yesterdays. Think back to one of your happiest moments. Were you outside at the time, at about 4 on a summer afternoon, generally facing East? I'll bet you were.

This boat is called the Providence. It's drifting past Magnetic Island. Where I am that is, not the bit on the other side.

Mango wine with various cheeses

This week on my holidays I have been wildlife spotting off of sunny Cairns. But not scuba-diving. Oh, let's all go scuba-diving.
Did you know: the Great Barrier Reef is 2300km long with over 400 species of coral - and can actually be seen from space. Picture: common reef hunks can be found in shallow water Oct-Apr.

Darwin

This crocodile is big, and it's coming to get you. Don't think that if you stay still it won't find you. It knows you're there. It can actually hear you thinking.
Saltwater crocs can go for a year and a half without eating and can hold their breath for up to three hours. They have a lot of time on their hands. They will stalk you for months if they feel like it. Keep AWAY from the water's edge.

Rules of campervanning

1. Choose a van without daft patterns and logos on it. You're less likely to get lampooned by the locals.
2. The quietest campsite in the world is out there - just don't expect to find any spaces
3 (widely practiced) Look bored and wretched as you cruise from one place to the next. This will discourage others from taking up your hobby; thus the roads remain clear.
4. Late arrival will invite the angry glare of the established / territorial campers, especially the ones who've been there several months longer than they ought to've.
5. It's all about one-upmanship. When around others, talk loudly about where you've been and how simply fabulous you are
6. If you have a big rig (a house on wheels) don't try taking it to that idyllic campsite down 10km of dirt road with narrow wooden bridge. You'll just look silly.
You are now ready for the world of campervanning.

'Room for a small one?'

Life on Mars

This is what lies in the centre of Australia. Conveniently, most of the land that has been 'handed back' to the locals looks like this.
We've been in it for ... a day? A week? I can't be sure. Such isolation makes for strange feral thoughts. I keep wanting to dig a burrow, and I get confused and anxious at the sight of an approaching fuel pump or village.

Below: big lorries. Why do we never tire of seeing them? It's all, 'look Richard I think we need to discuss whether our relationship is going to survive the next-oh my god! Big lorry, BIG LORRY!'

All that glitters...

Things looking bleak at home? Fear not, readers. Our wheels broke down the other day, which puts us on the same level as that man in London who got snowed in for 7 days. Richard's conversation with the rental company went something like:
R: 'Hello.'
RC: 'Aa-yagoin'?' (or 'what do you want?')
R: 'Our van is in ruins.'
RC: 'Fair dinkum, mate' ('oh, really?')
R: 'Well?'
Silence.
R: 'I... demand a new vehicle!'
The new one's ticking over nicely for now. We recently made it on to the Barossa Vally for more serious matters. This place, just north-east of Adelaide, is home to such fine wineries as Wolf Blass, Penfolds and Jacob's Creek. I was so busy tasting the Reserve Pinot at one I missed a good wine tour. I turned up just in time for a lively discussion in the atrium, where someone was asking about why the grapes ripen this way instead of that.
'Because that's the way the cookie crumbles,' a wine buff answered, prompting a tipsy debate on odd sayings and how they came to be.
'There's "the pot calling the kettle black,"' said one person.
'How about "have your cake and eat it"?' said another.
There was a ripple of movement across the room as all those who had been involved in an affair (more or less everyone) suddenly felt compelled to shuffle sideways a little, smooth their hair, itch their little toe and so on. This was followed by 'all's fair in love and war' (more shuffling) and then 'there's no harm in a little white lie' (furious toe-itching).
Why are they 'white' lies, anyway? A good day in all.

Now the harsh South Australian outback lies ahead of us. It doesn't sound like a very hospitable place. A little late to worry now, seeing's we're hooning straight towards it.

Great Ocean Road

We've been on the GOR for the last few days. You can do adventure activities, or be a surfer, or simply stand at regular intervals, gazing out 'cross the oggan.
After some debate we've hired our own wheels again. We thought, we could return to buses / flying and hostelling, but there are the cockroaches, and it all ends up costing the same anyway, plus hostels often get taken over by people talking in loud voices about Big Brother and politics, and the relationship of Big Brother to politics and if I hear 'self-perpetuating myth' one more time I swear I'll ... Highly interesting topic, though.

* Oggan: 'ocean.' I heard some people in Devon saying it, once.

Coming soon: Rules of campervanning

Travelling safely

I ventured out to explore the city today, leaving Richard asleep. It's good to wander alone but you can't help feeling vulnerable at times, what with the ever-present threat from horrible sorts. I find it helps to sit and do a sketch because then you get a little following, usually consisting of nice people, who sit here and there around you, keeping the horrible people at bay.

Back at base R had risen late but had still managed to book this and that, write a novel and such. He's one of these people - we all know them - who really can just get on with 'to do' lists, without fretting. And in so little time! Like one highly trained in martial arts and capable of killing 6 people by just twitching slightly, Richard can sleep until noon and then spring up, move his a hand a little and ...ping! Everything is done. Hmph.

Get me some grog

I'm feeling flat. I wonder what to do. Don't any of you pretend that you haven't felt like this on your holidays. This vanilla muffin, covered with icing and jelly bits, should make it pass.

We're in Melbourne, Victoria, population 3 million-ish. Time to brush up on my 'Strine (Australian English):

Billabong: a waterhole

Milk bar: convenience store

Drongo: idiot

Grommet: a young surfer

Pohm (Prisoner of Her Majesty): person from England. Also Pome - Prisoner of Mother England

Esky: cooler

Thongs: flip-flops

See y's

We leave New Zealand shortly. A good job, because if we hang around I may be in danger of becoming a Kiwi and not returning.
Three months of holidays now and no developments on the new person front. I've turned up the heat a little by changing my hair. Still nothing. Australia next.

Rules of making long-distance phone calls

1. You have to make them, always.
2. Jumping up and down just before doing them is essential.
3. Have serious debate on how to 'get out' of current country and 'get in' to your home one. No one will remember off the top of their heads.
4. Always speak in a high-pitched voice
5. Make sure you call at the wrong time. You will inevitably. This is because (as with Rule 3) no matter how many times we're told the time difference, no one can ever remember what it is.
'It'll be about 8am there,' someone will say.
'No. We're never that far ahead!'
'That's what it said at the airport.'
'But what about daylight saving?'
And so on.

Picture: with the Kiwi Adkins.

This week: the mighty Mount Cook, New Zealand's tallest peak. Yesterday we climbed partway up one of Cook's smaller friends. A glut of glaciers greeted us at the top, making the nasty climb worthwhile.

We're now heading for a place called Kaikoura, where I've heard swimming with dolphins is all the rage. I don't think I'll be joining the queue. I've done some ridiculous things but 'swimming with dolphins' is where I draw the line.

Also pictured: the mysterious Moeraki Boulders on the East coast, so out of place with their fellow rocks.

-There are many theories as to how they came to be, but as with most things, no one really knows.

Cultural similarities #1

Yesterday we were on a scenic drive and we came across a town that called itself 'the sausage capital' of New Zealand. I thought I'd pick up a few, fry them up for dinner, keep R quiet for a while. But the shop in question was all locked up.
'So the er, sausage department is closed?' I asked the lady in the adjoining store.
'It's the weekind,' she said sourly.
'Sorry! I forgot- the shops don't have weekends back at home,' I said, laughing gormlessly. She answered by slamming my change into my hand, at the same time ridding herself, I noticed, of some euros she'd acquired from a previous customer. That's more like it, I thought. All that nice waitress business in America was just a passing dream.
In additional news we've been enjoying seeing lots of nice penguins and things, just there, in their own habitat, cages not included.

I hate bungy jumping

Queenstown: population around 10,000 +tourists
I've just tried some odd local dark chocolate...a treat! R has hinted that my interest in wine-tasting and chocolate may be getting out of hand. He talks about it like it's a bad thing. There's no mention of his tobacco stash, because when people smoke it doesn't count.
NB Chocolate is very costly here; sometimes double what it is in England. My feeling is that there is a tax on chocolate to stop people eating it. Other cultural differences include clean water, bizarre empty beaches and an interesting lack of road signs- we've been lost several times. Rivers and creeks must be highly prized because each one is clearly signposted, right down to the tiniest trickle. Should you visit, forget road names- look at the map and plan your journey by stream.

Bergschrund

Hokitika, mid-afternoon. This morning we were high up in Arthur's Pass, watching bits of cloud tease around the mountain tops. I've been to lots of new places and to some I've visited already, through other people. I'm not sure if I even need to see a glacier.
It's good to travel in a van with a man. Some nights, when I'm half asleep, he says 'who do you love?' just to make sure. I always say him. Last night I asked him the same question. He said, 'Mr Kipling.' Next episode: Franz Josef

Cone you see it

I'm living out of a van. Recently things over-ran and we ended up 'freedom camping' beside Lake Taupo. I was unsure about this because I like sticking to the rules. R said 'so what? We're just hanging.' I evened things by picking up all visible rubbish from the other freedom campers. I picked up some non-visible rubbish as well.
Also today: we've done the Tongariro Crossing, a 19.4km walk over volcanic terrain. You are advised to allow 5.5-7.5 hours to do the crossing. So how did we do?
Start: 08:50 Finish: 14:30 Lunch -15 mins. Various breaks -20 mins. I threw a wobbly at the Red Crater -25 mins. So, all done in well under 6 hours
Facts: Mounts Ngauruhoe and Mt Tongariro are active volcanoes. You can see fumaroles (steam vents) in action as you trudge up the track.
Mount Ngauruhoe played 'Mount Doom' in The Lord Of The Rings, bringing 10 times the usual volume of hikers to the area. If I were Ngauruhoe I'd have erupted in protest.
Picture: the Emerald Lakes, made green by minerals seeping in from nearby volcanic er, stuff

Snapper Jack

We've recently emerged from a primitive hut deep in the rainforest (well, it would be more accurate to say 'an airy cabin in a clearing with hot and cold running water' but this doesn't read so well) and headed East to the Coromandel Peninsula. On arrival my first instinct was to seal myself away in our room for a while but the owner of our lodgings invited me on a guided tour of her house, carefully explaining each colour scheme, the cushion choices, why she and Bob disagree over the patio and so on. I have never understood why people do this.
The sun beats down without mercy. I'm determined not to return from my holidays looking like these overtanned people who strut back to work with smug faces, and I have to say 'don't you look good?' but I'm thinking no you don't look good, you like someone's taken a blowtorch to your face
In other news I've a bee in my bonnet because I haven't changed into a different person yet. That's what's meant to happen when you travel, I've read it in books. It's been two months now and nothing's happened. I'm thinking of asking for my money back.

Picture: Richard is standing beneath the largest known kauri tree - 51.5m high with a 13.8m girth. The oldest known kauri, not far from this one, is thought to be around 4,000 years old. In typical human fashion all but 4% of New Zealand's kauri forests have been felled.

A Slippery Slope

We are in Hokianga. Do come here if you want total detachment from the known world.
This afternoon: sandboarding. As we approached I saw the slopes were peppered with achingly beautiful people, all in the peak of fitness. I thought 'posers. Anyone can do this' and positioned myself at the top of a nice gentle slope to start with. 20 minutes later I was still there, flapping like a stranded sea-lion. I had also partly buried myself.
'Er, excuse me love,' said a soft voice. I looked up into the face of someone supernaturally gorgeous. He said kindly, 'you need to turn your board up the other way.'
'Oh' I replied and watched as he launched himself, centaur-like, into the air and hurtle downhill into the sea. I saw him in slow motion as is the case when a mind is in the presence of a body performing a sports move perfectly.
Richard took to it straight away of course. By the end of the day he had found his own style
I don't think I'll continue with this sport in the future. Maybe I'm just overqualified? I might stick to lying in this hammock, reading the book, Dune, instead, which is just as good, if not better.

Russell

I am in awe of the names given to towns, islands etc. in this area. You have Taupiri Bay, Whangaruru Harbour and the breathtaking Whangaparaoa Peninsula. These are names that command respect. They are the sorts of names that ask you to furrow your brow when saying them. This is why I am slightly bemused by the town of Russell. I mean, you have Okiato, Waitangi, and... Russell. In 1840 the Maori people must have thought, 'well, we've been made to sign this treaty by the British saying "your land is ours now, ta mate," but never mind that - they've given us a town called Russell.' They may as well have called it 'Dave' and had done with it. Next I'll find that it's twinned with Bert in the Maunganui region.

Steinlager

This week on my holidays I am in the Northlands - the Bay of Islands. Population: virtually 0. Hurrah for islands, large and small! I see many. All their trees and ferns have that oversized look of things that have just been left alone.
It's odd being able to walk around in very little. I am slightly irritated to notice that Richard looks lithe and lean despite having a diet regime to rival that of Henry VIII.
There is talk of something known as a 'sky-dive.' But I say, what for? I've never understood why people suddenly want to jump out of planes. Isn't it enough just to drift peacefully on said islands
I'd rather chew on those cockroaches I saw in our kitchen the other day. I'd rather boil my own head. I'm not doing it.

Kia Ora

Due to forces of nature we have had to bypass Fiji. We are in Auckland, New Zealand - 13 hours ahead for your information.
There was confusion at the airport, the Fiji crisis being quite recent news. I approached the helpdesk but knew there'd be a problem because the lady sitting there looked like a stoat. Her response to our plea went something like: 'all of Fiji shut down by storms, you say? Yes that is your fault. No, you won't be getting your money back. Goodbye.' I tried to point out that when Hurricane Godzilla is pursuing you around the globe it isn't always down to your own planning, but there was no response. Such is the outcome when dealing with someone who looks like a stoat. It's a worldwide phenomenon.
Anyway, 4 weeks in New Zealand have become 6. It's so warm here - and it smells of summer, the way England used to, I forget what year.
So many things to consider: like, where's all the wine? Which national chocolate icon can I become unnaturally preoccupied with? And where is that 'McCracken' sign - the one that everyone sits on with their buttocks on display? Maybe it's on the South island.

Or maybe not.

OK...we're good

When we were in LA before, I came across some treasure: a roadtripper's guide to the USA, lovingly annotated by someone called Alex from Boston and left in a drawer with a Post-It note saying 'bon voyage' inside. I took it along with us, with a view to adding my own thoughts and then burrowing it away in a cupboard, romantically, so that its next owner might get the same thrill I did.
...But Richard has just handed it to someone who speaks no English other than 'I no travel' and 'I go home tomorrow' (sound of apple core being thrown at Richard's head)
Coming soon- Fiji.

Counter Culture

...So we flew back down to LA - I never got my beloved Coast Starlight - and we're now at some backpacker's place or other. We've just had the most wonderful night-time bathe in this abnormally hot swimming pool under a full moon. Richard mentioned how quiet it was. I assured him that the place was full - it was just that all the other travellers were indoors glued to their laptops.
This weird epidemic is changing the face of travelling I'm sure. Whereas you once walked into a cafe / common room and got lively faces, bustle and chatter, now you just have an intense humming noise and 30-odd gormless expressions. I wonder what it is they're all doing?
Ah. Time to log off now, I suppose

Marooned

All major over-land routes out of the Seattle area are blocked. Mudslides are hampering the railways. Naturally all of this clashes with the beautiful Pacific Coast train journey we've had booked for some time. There is clearly zero chance of this going ahead and we need to make other arrangements; for now I am adopting the principle of doing nothing and hoping the problem will go away

Home from home

Yesterday we decided to visit Snoqualmie Falls, a Washington beauty spot - on the worst day for flooding in a long time (possibly ever)
Of course we weren't aware of this ('it's only a bit of rain' we cried) until we got there and noticed the road closures, 80ft logs hurtling downstream and so on. As conditions deteriorated we also noticed that we were stranded. I never like these things. Richard remained upbeat but I stopped abruptly and stamped my foot - my cloak flapping moronically - and said 'I want to go home.'
To counter this story I attach a sunny sort of picture of us taken somewhere in Arizona. Richard's horse was asleep admittedly, and mine was definitely insane but the picture looks good therefore everything is OK.

Alien beings

Yesterday we visited Seattle's Science Ficton Museum - the world's first of its kind. I was in heaven but it was busy, with the usual clutch of people who assume they have the right to walk straight through you as you innocently try to take in the Cyborg section, and who hover uncomfortably close to your face, glaring, when they discover that they actually can't.
Later on- a night in was necessary and I needed space as always. Tired of being asked to say 'this is the 9 o'clock news' and 'Harry Pot-ter and the Philos-opher's Stone' (etc) I skulked off to the wonderful cinema in the basement. It was empty! I settled down with some suitably creepy sci-fi but to my disgust other hostel-goers appeared and began perching all around. One of them had a cold. That was the end of that.

Long Island Iced Tea

08:15
Happy New Year.